Author: Ashlee Scheuerman

Artist, writer, dreamer.

Who I Want To Be

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Thoughts

I was going to talk about something light. I began drafting a post about shuffling scenes around, which is something I am most certainly in the midst of right now. It’s kind of liberating to have decided that certain discussions between characters are happening out of order. I’m really loving editing my stories and seeing that I am making them more than what they were. But that post wouldn’t come out, no matter how many ways I tried.

Instead, I’m drawn back to a question I’ve been wondering about for the past week or two. Who do I want to be? Not in the sense of where is my life going, I’ve got that part. But who I want to be, as the author Ashlee Scheuerman. What face am I putting out there, and what do my actions reflect upon me?

The other day when I was busy fretting over everything and nothing, I drew a Rune for a manner of insight. If you don’t know much about Runes, that’s okay, I’m just learning, myself. The Rune which came out of my little blue velvet bag was Mannaz, or Maðr. From my favourite online resource, Sunnyway Runes, we have the following:

Mannaz: (M: Man, mankind.) The Self; the individual or the human race. Your attitude toward others and their attitudes towards you. Friends and enemies, social order. Intelligence, forethought, create, skill, ability. Divine structure, intelligence, awareness. Expect to receive some sort of aid or cooperation now.

My attitude toward others, and their attitude toward me. Yes. Summed up one very key element to my worries: who am I, and how am I perceived? And more importantly, what do I want that to be? By nature, I am honest (sometimes to the point of trouble) and interested in others. I consider myself empathic, caring about people and animals and nature and life.

I want to be dependable, even though I am prone to flightiness. Blog frequently, release stories more than once every 12 months, reply to emails and messages and other people’s happenings. I want to support others, but in a well-balanced way so I don’t end up feeling like it’s a massive drain on my time. I want to be clever and educated and do things right, preferably without lengthy periods of trial and error, but I also need to focus on patience. Lots of patience.

Here I go back to Mannaz. “Intelligence, forethought, create, skill, ability. Divine structure, intelligence, awareness.” Again playing to my concerns. Forethought, and skill, and awareness. All necessary to my intent.

~A

Year One

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Blogging

Thursday was my first year blogging anniversary! I should have made a big deal out of it (more than just this update, I mean), but with only updating once a week and not commenting on other blogs lately, I almost feel like I’m not even part of the same thing I started with!

It’s been a full and enlightening year, though. Even if I’ve fallen off the face of the internet in recent times! I’ve made some of the best friends I’ve ever had through blogs, met too many brilliant folks, and learn so, so much.

In June of last year, I got properly started on working on The Damning Moths Anecdota. Not long after, in July, I got my first publication acceptance for the Surviving the End anthology and began meeting great editors, authors, and other fans of my co-authors. August was a month of difficulty with illness and the death of my cat Chichiri late in the month, which I still feel with a great sense of loss.

September and October I got right back into crochet and made an assortment of baby beanies, blankets, and started plenty of other pieces. To be honest, some of those still aren’t finished, primarily because I dislike stitching together squares into a whole blanket (and on that note, I only recently discovered a technique I actually enjoy, so expect a lot of finished crochet blanket photos soon!).

November saw my fifth wedding anniversary, preoders open for Surviving the End, my birthday, and yet another book signing with my favourite author, Matthew Reilly. Lots of editing. Lots of family interaction. With December, it’s always busy, and the absurd summer weather makes me sluggish and I kind of feel like I didn’t do anything significant through to February.

When March rolled around, I got right back into writing work and making big plans for my authorly future. I had my first ever photoshoot, which was so much fun and had brilliant results. Through April, and now into May, I’ve been working, learning, and trying to apply a whole lot of ideas to a whole lot of things all at once. Hence, becoming very quiet online.

My first year of blogging has been great, and I’m hoping there’s even more ahead for me in the coming year! Publishing, creating, sharing, and keeping in touch with wonderful people. Thanks for joining me! It wouldn’t be the same without you all.

~A

Redefining: Expectation

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Writing

I can want everything to be “just so” all I like, but expecting it to happen that way is something else entirely. When I expect something to work a certain way, I’m just setting myself up for irritation and disappointment because I lose sight of the fact that I cannot have ultimate control over everything!

There is a difference between planning and expectations. When goalsetting, you’re meant to have identified a reachable achievement and be aiming for that outcome. Expectations are sometimes just irrational demands on yourself. And the longer I let myself think in terms of expectation, the harder it is when things just don’t go the way I wanted.

Perhaps this is just a distinction I have come up with. Maybe other people don’t see any variation between “planning for” and “expecting to”. However, I certainly do, and it’s something I should be more aware of when thinking about my future. Much in the way of deadlines, a lot of expectation is hinged upon timeframes.

So the new idea is to plan for outcomes, but stop imposing expectations on them. Plan to, yes, finish stories when I can, but don’t expect them done in a certain time, or even a certain way. Stop expecting them to come out as a specific thing. Keep working and see what comes of it. Learn, evolve, improve, and always move forward. Plan for a polished, complete work at an indeterminate “end” point, but don’t expect things to come out the exact way I want the first, or second, or even third time.

Most importantly, plan for leniency. Stop expecting a sense of failure when something goes awry. I can’t snap my fingers and force the world to come into line. Plan for Zen. Stop expecting control. Continue, persist, move forward. It’s a relaxing way of thinking!

~A

Surviving the End is here!

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Other Writers, Writing

My first ever fiction publication, the neat little story of “Harvest”. It’s a little surreal to be holding the book, reading the other pieces (which are AWESOME, by the way!) with mine wedged in between. The editor and Story Keeper has pulled everything together tightly with the interludes keeping momentum going from one tale to the next, even when they are as vastly different as the people telling them.

One of the best parts of being in this anthology has most certainly been the other contributors. Meeting these writers has been great fun, they’re awesome to interact with, and it’s always brilliant to be introduced to other great stories.

Those of you who have pre-ordered Surviving the End should see your copy very soon! If you didn’t pre-order and are interested in these stories of post apocalyptica, I direct you to the publishers website: Dark Prints Press – Surviving the End.

And of course, thank you all for your support and encouragement. Means the world to me!

~A

Redefining: Time

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Writing

I’m, ah, not precisely a patient person. When weeks worth of effort, nearly two straight months, still hasn’t gotten me where I want to be, it usually takes a lot for me to persist. I might be stubborn, but I’m impatient, and that can make for a bad combination. Often, if something hasn’t come to pass in due time, I will find something more interesting to focus on.

The good news is, I haven’t lost interest in my writing projects, even if they’re taking way too long! Quite the opposite, I’m almost rabidly obsessed, even now. I don’t feel the need to rush off and do something else yet, I just keep heading back and chipping away. Will I meet my deadlines? Nope. Is the end in sight? Only if you can look far enough ahead! I’m just feeling really enthusiastic to have it done, completed, ready to release to the world, and I’m just not getting there in the timeframe I wanted. It’s not coming from a place of anxiety, thankfully, just a real lot of eagerness. I’m ready for the next part, the next book, the next idea.

I know I need to be easy on myself; there have been a lot of extra hours worked at my day job, and that “life” thing has been a pesky distraction more than a couple of times. I’ve managed to do a little bit every day, so there is a build-up of progress. Slowly but surely. I would like to be able to set out the new deadline and know I will meet it solidly, but I really can’t be certain. Even if I average out the previous work, I won’t get a good estimation, because nothing goes along so simply as that!

Instead, I have chosen to redefine my illusion of time. It’s kind of an effort in willfully ignoring the problem of doing anything does take time, since if I stop paying attention to how long it’s taking me, I no longer need to worry about it. I know, this is the opposite way most people feel they should work, but I am entirely aware of how much I do every day (both in writing, and the rest of life), so all it comes back to it “time” being the problem. Henceforth, time’s relative existence is not my concern. It’s all going to happen. Eventually.

~A

Truly happy

Posted on by Ashlee Scheuerman in Other Writers, Writing

As I begin taking steps toward having a novel released, I start wondering about, you know, comparing myself. As I mentioned in a previous post, A little healthy comparison, an author cannot compare certain things. Sales, fans, popularity, success. Not only are these elements largely outside of a persons direct control, they are also subjective.

Sales depend on exposure and marketability (cover art, blurb, author presence), as well as content. Fans are a trickier thing again, but a small and rabid fanbase can do more for an author than a larger, lukewarm group. Popularity comes and goes, for the book, for the author, for the genre. And success, that’s all in the eye of the beholder. Success is determined by what you want, and reaching milestones and goals.

Will I be able to keep that mindset once my book is out there, competing with the rest? Will I stay Zen? I like to think I know myself pretty well. I am honestly, truly happy to support other writers and see them succeed. In terms of what others have achieved before me already; the stack of finished manuscripts, the publishing acceptance, their dream agent, or a roaring independent career, I can say that I only rejoice for them! I can assess what they’re doing, and make decisions about my own path in relation, but I don’t feel grumbly that I’m not there yet.

But it changes when you’re down in the dirt with them. It would be naïve to pretend otherwise. Looking from the outside in might have a twinge of longing beside it, but once you’re actually exposed and, really, once you’re vulnerable, something shifts.

Again, I’m pretty self-aware, as far as I can tell. I don’t believe there will ever come a time where my friendships and admiration for other people and their own writing success will become tainted with jealousy or resentment. I don’t work that way. Sure, I get down on myself when I think I’m not doing so well, but that has little to do with what others are getting out of their efforts. My little stabs of depression are almost universally because I haven’t reached a goal I set out for – even if that goal was a barely half-thought mad idea in the first place.

In the end, it’s not that someone else did – it’s that I thought I could, and I didn’t. Especially if I know I didn’t try hard enough. So here’s to ongoing happiness, even when the competition starts!

~A