Who I Want To Be

I was going to talk about something light. I began drafting a post about shuffling scenes around, which is something I am most certainly in the midst of right now. It’s kind of liberating to have decided that certain discussions between characters are happening out of order. I’m really loving editing my stories and seeing that I am making them more than what they were. But that post wouldn’t come out, no matter how many ways I tried.

Instead, I’m drawn back to a question I’ve been wondering about for the past week or two. Who do I want to be? Not in the sense of where is my life going, I’ve got that part. But who I want to be, as the author Ashlee Scheuerman. What face am I putting out there, and what do my actions reflect upon me?

The other day when I was busy fretting over everything and nothing, I drew a Rune for a manner of insight. If you don’t know much about Runes, that’s okay, I’m just learning, myself. The Rune which came out of my little blue velvet bag was Mannaz, or Maðr. From my favourite online resource, Sunnyway Runes, we have the following:

Mannaz: (M: Man, mankind.) The Self; the individual or the human race. Your attitude toward others and their attitudes towards you. Friends and enemies, social order. Intelligence, forethought, create, skill, ability. Divine structure, intelligence, awareness. Expect to receive some sort of aid or cooperation now.

My attitude toward others, and their attitude toward me. Yes. Summed up one very key element to my worries: who am I, and how am I perceived? And more importantly, what do I want that to be? By nature, I am honest (sometimes to the point of trouble) and interested in others. I consider myself empathic, caring about people and animals and nature and life.

I want to be dependable, even though I am prone to flightiness. Blog frequently, release stories more than once every 12 months, reply to emails and messages and other people’s happenings. I want to support others, but in a well-balanced way so I don’t end up feeling like it’s a massive drain on my time. I want to be clever and educated and do things right, preferably without lengthy periods of trial and error, but I also need to focus on patience. Lots of patience.

Here I go back to Mannaz. “Intelligence, forethought, create, skill, ability. Divine structure, intelligence, awareness.” Again playing to my concerns. Forethought, and skill, and awareness. All necessary to my intent.

~A